...my unwinding mind

i’m backkkkkkk…and i’ll try to be here “err day  err day” when i’m not working outside at job #1 talking photos and job #2 folding clothes. I will try my best to post diy’s and projects that are in my head waiting to be created!!

How do I know if I’m being what I’m supposed to be?

My reality that I have known has been empty and shallow.

You show up in my reality and I’m afraid that, that’s all you’ll ever be.

I’m trying to take it one step at a time, slowly as I can.

Trying to enjoy and appreciate this small containment of joy.

For once in my life, I feel better then sad and really before good. `

Lately I’ve been learning what being happy means.

I’m worried that it’s only happiness that I feel at the wrong time.

Even if it’s temporary, I want it to be worth something, if anything.

I don’t have time to waste, and I don’t plan on spending yours.

This girl here has a mind of her own.

Her mind seems to crumble the memories once embedded in her heart.

Though she does not choose to, it’s only evitable.

How do I really know that you care?

Are those just words you’ve perfected on previous loves?

Do those same words come from your heart

or your pants?

So far, I know you possess something

different.

There’s a man,

who I found

that seems to

understand,

that there’s more

inside

of my being then my

shallow

outer skin.

He called me

beautiful 

and

I

didn’t believe him. 

He wanted to be

more then strangers

and greater then friends.

And I hope

he has my

heart

in the end.

Failure

is not an option.

Yet, I end up in it.

When I thought I could do better then

yesterday.

I can’t do it on my own.

You say to ask for your help.

But what do I do when

you don’t respond?

I feel mislead, lost and worse,

abandoned by you.

Out of all people you aren’t supposed to do that.

I thought this was just supposed to be

temporary.

Just a lesson.

A lesson

to learn

to stop

and think about what I do.

But now it just feels like

a cruel punishment.

You say to suffer is to gain.

Strength, they say is what you get.

Weak and delicate is how I feel.

Now you ask  me to look at

my life.

I’m making mistakes you say.

And what if I am?

I don’t feel your presence.

No guilt or sympathy.